Anxiety, be it long term, or short term, a temporary thing that strikes, or a mental condition that someone is struggling with, is not logical. I have always known this. Usually I can talk myself down, or be talked down, when something is pressing on my mind, sending it’s nasty little thoughts into my brain, and hammering away.
Today, I am having an MRI on my knee. My anxiety levels are through the roof. Not because of the actual procedure, I have seen enough of them, in my time as a nurse, to know what happens and to cope with the brief time I am in the tube whilst images are taken, but because I am scared of what they might find.
My logical brain is telling me “your doctor thinks you have badly damaged ligaments and shattered cartilage, they just need to see exactly what is happening before they decide what the best course of action is”
My anxiety is telling me “your Mum died of complications from cancer, a type of bone cancer, that they still don’t know if is genetic or not, (the stats for the type of cancer she had, Multiple Myeloma, for her age, and for her sex are very rare, I have been told it is likely not genetic, or inherited, but they still don’t know enough about it, to say for sure) and she was in her 40’s, they are going to find something sinister, during that scan, you need to plan for the worst”.
Health, and fear around health, dying and leaving my family, are one of my biggest issues, and a massive anxiety trigger. I am working through them but they form part of me, for as long as I have known, and it is hard to conquer and overcome them.
I KNOW THIS IS NOT LOGICAL.
I am trying to tell myself this, I am trying to be calm, to shut out the stupid and nagging thoughts, and to breathe, pray, and know that it’s probably what my doctor thinks it is. I have told one good friend, and LSH, because I know that if I keep it to myself, the thoughts and fears, and “what if’s” will just build more. Part of my therapy is to learn to talk about my anxiety, and catch it before it starts to grow and overcome me. Telling someone else, means I have to talk about what is going on in my head, and hopefully get some logical input, to help me start to also think logically. I have resisted the temptation to Dr Google, to see sinister symptoms I could have, which is also part of my therapy, but I am still battling the thoughts, and I am not my normal self, even though I am doing a pretty good job of hiding it.
Anxiety is not logical. I am struggling today.