Can’t catch my breath, but can’t stop to breathe…

When 2017 ended, it had been another tough year. Job stress (which has eased) health stress (miscarriages, knee surgery, small boy’s surgery) and other things, the husband and I looked at each other and said “2018 HAS to be better, we need better, we need to do better”. We were hopeful. He’s an eternal optimist, I am more cynical but try my best.

We are almost halfway through 2018 and I can’t say it’s been better. I would say it’s been more of the same, with the odd major dip (I had yet another miscarriage, we have had some issues with the tween and school, job stress has ramped up again for both of us) and a few little good bits.

We are tired. I am tired. It feels like life is a constant race you run, where you need to stop to breathe and catch up but you can’t stop. So you can’t breathe. You can’t really just take a deep breath and be. The reality is we don’t ever really stop, or get much of a break, and life seems to just flow in an endless round of routine interspaced with obstacles. We don’t have a great deal of family around to lean on, locally (my dad is the one person I will make an exception for and will Whats App call or Skype just to let steam off, I hate using those things but for long distance when you just need to talk they are good) and we are tired, really tired and I don’t see how it will ever get less that way. Everyone says that the baby days and toddler days when you don’t sleep that much are the hardest and most tiring. I laugh at that now, when I have a kid that still doesn’t sleep all night at aged 8. I don’t think I haven’t felt not tired in the longest time.

I have a feeling that chronic lack of sleep and the jobs we both do (Him an intense IT job, me working with people all day and the social media management that running a blog requires, we don’t get a lot of downtime) plus busy lives and kids that still need us, and one who doesn’t sleep that well and needs a bit more input than his peers, and not really having had many UPS among the downs, in the past couple of years, has worn us both out. We’d love to both take three months off to rest, and reevaluate where we are at, and make some life changes. Sadly, that’s neither practically or financially viable. I have days where I want to jack it all in, and blow all our responsibilities and run away in a camper van, homeschooling the kids, and ignore the world. Sadly, adult life and two cats that don’t travel well mean that’s just a pipe dream.

I have no idea where I am going with this post, it’s mainly a jumble of words, as I try to express something I am not sure is coherent. I feel like I sound whiney and ungrateful for the life we have. I am not. I am just tired and want some things to ease and for life to feel less like a rat race we can’t stop and more like something we can enjoy. I think we also feel frustrated because people around us don’t always get it.

The thing is, I don’t know if this is how life is meant to be and that’s how it is for everyone, around us of our age with kids, or famiies like us. Is it meant to be this way? Is it meant to feel like one long grind and the never actually being able to catch a breath as you go from one thing to another, normal and we just need to figure out a better way to do it?

Maybe this really is my midlife crisis….?

Send help. I may look like I am floating along but underneath the water I am paddling frantically to keep afloat…

In all seriousness, if you are feeling like me/us, I would love to hear from you, because solidarity in this struggle would be great. Also, if you have a million pounds to spare and want to send us on a 3 month holiday with all our expenses paid and the best cat daycare money can buy, then we are happy to hear from you too… or if you have some ideas on how to ease this time and have been there but can tell me it gets better or how to face it better, and that it’s really not that bad, feel free to reply too!

Thanks for reading. Normal service will resume now!

Posted in Family Life and Parenting and tagged mental-health, Mid life crisis?, real life.