5 Things Never to say to an Adoptive Parent

I am not brave.

I am not special.

I am not unique.

I am a mother.

I am a mother who loves her children unconditionally.

I am a mother who didn’t give birth to her children.

I am a mother who can honestly say her children are beautiful, cute, gorgeous in fact insert any superlative in there as they don’t get their good looks from our gene pool. Can you say that without appearing conceited Nope? Well then How lucky am I?

I am an adoptive mum.

We have two funny, caring, energetic, healthy, cheeky, frustrating and naughty at times, wonderful kids. They are our world.

There you go I am just a parent, probably just like you. I find it frustrating when people generally strangers make sweeping comments about people who adopt as if they are some sort of superhero, being able to take on another’s child. You don’t know their history (yes we do, not all but some, probably enough sometimes more than enough)

It doesn’t matter to me in the slightest that I didn’t give birth to my children, I couldn’t give a stuff that they had formula milk, and I wasn’t there to see them first turn over or smile. Why should it matter to anyone else especially someone who I don’t really know and who thinks I am some sort of heroine for taking on such a lost cause? 

I’ve been asked some pretty silly, rude and often stupid questions from people about my circumstances.

Here are the most frustrating questions to ask adoptive parents… My advice? Give them a miss.

Aren’t you brave?

No no I am not, I am a mum. In fairness this is a statement and there need to reply to a statement. You could answer back with yes you’ve seen what kids nappies are like or yes I’ve watched frozen approximately 369 times or maybe a few more I’m very brave. Aren’t all parents brave?

Why did you adopt?

I generally answer with because we wanted to be parents and raise a family. This is guaranteed to disappoint as the person asking really wants to know.

So what’s wrong with you? Or Who’s fault was it then?

To be honest I much prefer that question. It may be intrusive but it is straight to the point and I will answer with honesty. Nothing is wrong it just didn’t happen. I tried some treatment I’m not one for messing with my body didn’t like what happened so we went for adoption simples. No drama’s, no blame it was just how our cookie crumbles. However I will confess I have been known to say on a couple of occasions. “We don’t believe in sex after marriage so adoption was out only option”

How can you love someone else’s child?

Very easily actually. Because THEY ARE OUR CHILDREN. We are really not going to go through the adoption process to suddenly wake up one day and think Ooppps changed our mind not really my cup of tea this parenting malarkey think I’ll send them back.

It is a long arduous process that is intimidating, infringes your privacy and makes you question your abilities as a human being. You have to answer questions relating to what you think you could cope with. Be honest now could you really cope with a child that was blind and in a wheel chair, or one who had mental health problems or one who was maybe sexually abused or who had physical scars from abuse? You have to be honest and truthful and sometimes that doesn’t make you proud. But you have to question and answer those sorts of questions. You have to look at your coping strategies and you have to think about your loved ones too. So we answered the questions and yes were cross that others don’t have to answer those questions they can have a quickie on a Saturday night and 9 months later out pops baba. It took us much longer than 9 months to become parents with lots of preparation lots of worry and lots of stress. We are in this for the long run.

Like any parent we love them unconditionally

What is their background?

This I will not answer. My family know, we know, social services know and other professional bodies know. Our children know what is age appropriate for their requirements and when they are ready to share their story they will do. It is their story and I have no right to tell anyone their story. Simply don’t ask that question because you won’t get an answer and to be honest it’s none of your business. What benefit will it be of you to know their background?

Do they know they are adopted?

Yes, Yes they do – enough said. Now let us get on with being the best parents we can be. Because isn’t that what we are all trying to do?

It is far better to talk to adoptive parents about being parents, discuss the latest episode of Sophia or how your boy is doing in his football trials because at the end of the day we are just parents and we need to all stick together because it is one hell of a ride!

 Elaine Mitchell is a womens empowerment coach, speaker and blogger her website is www.elainemitchell.co.uk and her life blog is www.sandwichestocaviar.wordpress.com

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