Dear children. Mum has toilet rights too…

Dear children. 

I adore you, I do. I truly would give my life for you. You are the sun and moon and stars to me. You light up my life.

But, seriously, I have to say, I would love to tell you some things about the bathroom and my toilet rights. One day, when you have your own children, you may understand this…

When I am in the bath, trying to wash my hair, or even just having the briefest of washes, it’s really not lovely of you to come in and proceed to announce that “I need a poo, NOW” and then dance around like a demented leprechaun, until my protests of “I just need two minutes, then you can” are defeated. It is also not lovely of you to talk me through what is going on with said bowel movement, whilst it happens, as I desperately try to rinse the suds from my hair and vacate the room. 

Similarly, when I am using the bathroom, for whatever biological function I happen to need,  and you decide as I have literally sat on the toilet, that you need to “go right NOW, I haven’t been to the toilet at school” and I have to rush like a madwoman, because of course I am the adult, and it’s pretty mean of me to make you wait, and frankly if I can avoid cleaning up puddles of pee, I will. Do you wait until you hear the toilet seat going up, and then decide your bladder needs are suddenly urgent and require me to vacate for you? My bladder also has needs, you know… While we are at it, could you not decide to pick a fight with each other, just as I have sat on the loo? It seems to be your favorite moment, and I really don’t find having to yell from the bathroom, with my knickers round my ankles, very dignified!

Also, I would like to point out that there are four people in the house, who all need to use the bathroom, at various points in the  day. When you disappear in there, locking the door, and insisting you need “privacy”, that’s fine, and totally acceptable, but not for 1/2 an hour when we are all trying to get ready for school and work in the morning. I am not allowed even ten minutes alone in the loo, you taking 30 minutes, to do your business, whilst reading your library book is JUST NOT ON.

I do love to spend time with you, I really do, and I always want to hear what you have to say (unless it’s describing your poo to me, then frankly, I am not really that keen) but if you could just wait for three minutes, so I can pee, wash my hands and get out, that would be great. I can actually pee and be done in three minutes, I promise, I have it down to a fine art. Unless the house is on fire or the cat is eating the hamsters or the rabbits, whatever you have to say can wait. I promise  I am not doing exciting things without you, in there. (Ok, so that’s a lie, I have been known to lock myself in the bathroom with the ipad, a glass of wine and some chocolate, but only when Daddy is home, because there is a chance you might bother him instead of me…) 

And for the love of all that is holy, please shut the door and lock it. It works, it really does. It means that no one else can come in a bother you (something your mother utilizes, much to your disgust) and it stops your sibling or the cats coming to harass you whilst you go about your bathroom business. If you start shouting at me, because your little brother or big sister has barged in on you, because you have left the door unlocked and open, I will of course speak to them about privacy and being polite, but you may also get a lecture from me about how to shut and lock the bathroom door. Also, frankly the rest of the house does not need to share in your activities, CLOSE THE DOOR!

Wipe the seat when you have finished. Please flush the toilet. No I don’t want to come and see what colour what you have produced out your bottom is, and if you have managed to miss the toilet and there is wee on the floor, please tell me so I don’t step in it, when I manage to sneak five minutes to go to the toilet. I won’t be cross if you tell me, I will help clear it up, but I may be a little less amused to get wee on my socks or my bare feet…

Oh, and please stop using my very expensive Chanel soap to wash your hands. I know it smells nice, and makes good bubbles, and yes I am happy that at least you washed your hands, but use the normal soap.

Thanks

Your loving, and would like to pee alone, with no company, without rushing

Mum

PS I promise this is tongue in cheek (mostly) I do really love my kids. Sharing for Friday’s Rant with