A slap in the face when you least expect it…

But you should be used to it…

Everyone has an opinion, that’s pretty much life, and goes for everything. Mostly it’s harmless when people share what they think, or you can let it slide. 

The past two weeks or so, for me have been filled with opinions, some of them kind and compassionate, some of them unwanted and frankly cruel. All slaps in the face. 

We recently had a miscarriage. Yes, we were trying to get pregnant, and yes we are aware that I AM OLD and that it’s risky, and all that stuff. I am also under the care of an excellent specialist who thinks that my age and general health aren’t really an issue (if he has told me that certain famous actresses have had babies at much older than me, once he has told me many times)

Last week, I went to the doctor, my GP, not the specialist,  for a follow up appointment to check that I was recovering and that I didn’t need further medical care. After initially thinking all was ok and that it was all over and done with, I was unwell for a few days and it looked like I might need treatment. Thankfully that passed and I am well on the mend and over the physical part. I had a conversation with the locum doctor who I have never met that was like a slap in the face. He pointed out that at my age, pregnancy was riskier, that I should really think about being “done” and why was I putting myself through this again. He wanted me to think about contraception, so “this doesn’t happen again” and frankly, if I hadn’t been already an emotional wreck, his remarks would have broken me. I understand he was trying to be practical and medically minded, but it really hurt. 

I had a conversation with someone who thinks that I am foolish to be trying and putting my body through this again, when I “already have two children, you need to stop being selfish”. Yet another slap in the face. 

I have been told that I am adding more stress to our life by potentially bringing a MUCH WANTED baby into our family, because of what we deal with, with small boy’s sensory issues. Really? Do you not think we have thought about that, carefully, and spoken to other families with children in similar situations? Do you think we are just randomly having sex, hoping to get pregnant and hoping for the best, and have our heads in the sand? Another slap in the face…

Also, the unwanted and unsolicited health advice on how to get pregnant/stay pregnant? 

Relax, it’s all in my head – no actually, it’s my hormones, they don’t do what they are supposed to. No amount of relaxing will change that. 

Take herbs. oils, vitamin pills, special concoctions, don’t do this/try that. I HAVE TRIED PRETTY MUCH THEM ALL. My body doesn’t do what it should, that’s a fact. No pills, potions, or lotions will help. Stop suggesting things. It doesn’t help. It’s just another slap in the face. 

Just under four weeks ago, I sat in the bath, and cried as my body passed what it could not nurture. I saw what was the tiny remains of a much wanted and much hoped for pregnancy, wash down the drain. I cried through the pain. My husband kept the children away so I could deal with the physical without them knowing. I have had an internal ultrasound, which is painful, unpleasant, and invasive. I have had blood tests, sat in waiting rooms surrounded by pregnant women whilst I bled my pregnancy away, had my nether regions examined by strangers and I have had to smile and be gracious to those around me announcing pregnancies when all I want is to be able to give my children the sibling they keep asking for. In my wardrobe are all the baby clothes, and nappies, and bassinet and other items I have kept for “what might be” and I cannot bear to open it and see them, knowing that soon, we may be done and I will have to give them a way and pretend to be ok with it and nod and look like I agree when people tell me “it’s for the best” or “you have two health kids, be grateful” or “you could always get a dog” or “well, you probably are too old” and other well meaning but awful things.  Another slap in the face. 

So many slaps in the face. They’ve all come when I have least expected them. I wish they would stop….

I know, eventually, they won’t hurt, and they won’t come at me so fast and viciously, but for now, my heart is hurting, I am not healed emotionally, and those slaps in the face? I wish they would stop…